I have been realizing that he and his ex-girlfriend has been contacting all along. I have seen those text messages she sent him of how he felt like if she got married or she asked him out to a pub with her friends or told him she miss him or even talking to each other with him asking her out for a drink. I have been knowing it all along but I don't want to dig it out and ask him. All I do is to pretend I know nothing but I feel so painful inside my chest. He has never even told her that he already has a girlfriend, me. He wouldn't want people to know. The hurtful thing he said was telling me to pretend or to better not know about it because it won't do me any good but hurt me instead. I don't know in any possible way could he said that. What does he think I am? A robot? A machine? If he doesn't want to me know then don't do it, but if he did it then what's the point of being together if he's with someone else. You know this is the first time I am feeling this way. The feeling of being lied to, the feeling of competing with his ex-girlfriend to get him, the feeling of me having no confidence in wining. I don't want compete or anything because I'm tired of it. I don't want him, I want his heart. I don't want him to stay with me because he pity me that after we broke up, I can't handle it. That's not what I want. If he wants to break up because I don't understand him or about the future, I would never agree but if he wants to break up because he still love her more and that she is better than me, I am willing to walk away. I don't want to force him anymore, not anymore.
I am always feeling this dreadful pain inside my chest and it's like there's something inside stabbing my heart every 10 seconds. Now I lost the faith and trust I have in his heart, I no longer have the confidence that he's only loving me alone or anymore. It scares me to think about the choice he's gonna make. I feel so empty..
"I'm going to smile like nothing's wrong, talk like everything's perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."
