Hi, bloggie. I'm back again :) You're the only safest place I can share anything with. I would have said "I'm okay. Things are great." if I were asked by other people but to you, I can't lie. Lately, I have been stressful and depressed by family matters, personal matters, love matters.. 2015 isn't a good year for me or it's just life growing up facing more responsibilities and obstacles. I'm loved by a man now but why do I still feel so lonely, so all by myself, so not loved. At the same time, I feel so far from my family like I put up this wall in between for years I didn't realize it was there. I say a lot of mean things I did not mean to. I've done things that doesn't seem right. I'm all down, very.
I used to be this don't-care person in my family that whatever happens I just don't get involve and just listen to all sides and remain silent and yes, it seems selfish but at the same time, I don't get hurt and offended by them. Lately, I became the I can't stand watching this and react and give opinion. However, I get all the blames, disappointment, upset, and it does hurt me so bad. I felt so tired and so sick and so hurtful inside. I cried a lot too. I realize I would rather be a heartless person and remain don't care than react and be hurt and mistaken. I'm really tired of all these for so many years for the same old stupid things. Nothing can change, is it?
I'm blessed I'm loved by somebody. It's been such a very long time I actually felt somebody loved me a lot. The look in his eyes, his touch, his embraces, his arms, his love, his smile, and his beating heart. He does love me. He really do, that's how I felt and that's what I tell myself. Though I still believe nothing last forever and that how long can such a beautiful love for a person can remain true, but I give myself a chance to see the other side of the world. It's probably greener and much more beautiful on the other side. Love can be beautiful for a very very long time. He can love me for a very very long time and it won't change. Maybe it's possible. I probably never mention to you about how influential by the surrounding he is. Since beginning, I knew he is but we talked it out and he said he will try to change. You know people don't really change but if love could get him through then she is the one for him. It has been 7 months somehow and he still place other people opinion priority to me. It doesn't happen once or twice but he did it from time to time without even realizing it. It's very painful that I'm there in front of you yet you thought about what others think instead of how I think and how I feel. I hang my head down and endure it until recently, I couldn't take it anymore. This is not how real love is. Why is it that I place him above anybody and not care whoever say anything as long as I make sure I know what he thinks and wants but why is it that it's not the same for him. At some point, I doubt if this is really how it is to really love somebody. If we can't cross just this simple stage, how can two people hold hand and walk the path ahead together. Sometimes I realize we don't really share anything to each other. We don't really tell each other what's going on in life or even comfortable talking about it. It's like we're hiding from each other. There are so much about us that we need to learn from each other and so many walls to break between us but how? Tell me how. I'm really tired.
