I'm in love again.....and my insecurities again

Almost half a year since I last updated my blog, not that long comparing to the previous updates I guess. Now it’s getting unfair that I only update my blog when I’m feeling down or not at my best. I made up this little private social network of mine to share every flavor of my life yet, it’s only dramatic stories for a long while. Absorb, huh? Well, I’ve been happy and unhappy, up and down, long and short, blah blah blah just like everyone else. What can I complain? Oh did I mention that I’m in a relationship again since March 4^th this year? Yeah yeah with him, that impossible-and-never-get-along-batch mate of mine. We were that two bickering people who can never get on the same topic for long enough to start saying something serious. Imagine it as same SG, same DG, and steering committee! That’s like together all the time and we barely see anything in each other. Did I mention that I got lots of questions on-board asking me what was it between us coz they saw us together all the time and I was like “whattttt?” Yeah, I know. Now surprise we’ve together for more than 3 months now. Love is unpredictable and funny yeah. After more than 3 years and here we are in love.

I’ve been single for so long I forgot how it’s like to love again and to be in a relationship again. I’ve let one horrible relationship ruin my heart and beliefs for so many years to accept anyone again or even really love again. Though the haunted experience is still with me, I tried to let myself loose and give it a chance again. How bad can it be right? I somehow realize I don’t love people the way I used to love anymore. I used to be this totally in love and give it all person yet, now I realize I don’t love that much anymore. Guess I’m protecting myself or maybe I just don’t fully believe in love yet. Somehow I’m still afraid, afraid of being broken again or afraid I will end up breaking his.

Now here I am again writing about love with tears on my face. Remembering how my past left me after a couple months of reunite. After that final reunite broken, I always have this feeling haunting me that this is how it is. It will be sweet as sugar and happy as everlasting for the first few months then be ready for the change to break into you. Be ready for a wake up from your dream and face reality because this thing doesn’t exist. Some people would really hate me for how I take the mistakes of a person and place it on an innocent person. When will I ever get out of this?

Sigh why do tears keep coming down? Why do I now feel like it’s not all the same anymore? The feeling is not there. Like I don’t feel his love anymore. Like there’s a space in between and I can’t pretend nothing’s is abnormal even though I haven’t the foggiest idea what’s wrong about us. Is it because we are not really doing what relationship couples should do and that is sharing for whatever situation it is. Is there a barrier to open up to each other? Are we not comfortable sharing yet? Can we rely on each other? Am I consuming too much of his time that he wants some time for his own? Can we break this space in between? What happens if we don’t? What happens if it still goes on like this? When I look at him now, my heart hurts a little bit. How so? The holes will grow bigger and eventually, what is left of us. I wish I had an answer. I wish these were all just my wild imagination. I miss you.