We, human, have had numerous regrets and we wanted so much to re-fix those regrets again, but not to all the regrets. For this time, I did not regret for not begging him to stay last year on April when he left me unwanted. I admitted that I was dying to have him back in my life because it was like taking a half of my soul away and I lived deadly, terribly dead. For those months of living, I would never forget it for the rest of my life. I lived in a world where I was scared, cold, intimidated, heart broken, inconsolable, and I barely knew if I was still breathing. I locked myself up from the world sitting folding my knees in the dark crying and I buried my face in the pillow screaming. I did not talk to people, and I looked like a fool trying to fake a big smile everyday because I did not want anyone to see this pain behind my mask. I turned my sorrow into silence words in my blog as not to be asked from anyone or having to clarify anything. There, I wrote words which I could not explain in sound. It was the worse thing that had ever happened in my life which was the closest thing to my soul, love.
For quite awhile, we met, we talked, and we went out like a normal friend. I knew I still peaked to look at you when you turned away, but I never thought we could be together again. Recently, you were so nice to me, so caring, so lovable, so-not-what-you-were, so the-you-I first-knew, and I could sense that you were doing it for trying to make me feel your effort. You turned to look at me smiling the world most beautiful smile when you walked away. You held my hand when we crossed the street, you placed food in my plates and you joked with me. You showed me you wanted to see me everyday, you walked me to my car, you told me to drive safely, you called, you waited for me, and you cared. I knew and I fell in love with it even though I found it weird when you turned out this way. However, did you remember what you had done before? You walked in front of me without bothering to look, you talked to your friends while I was sitting alone next to you, you ate your food while my plate was empty, you dropped me off without showing me when you did not want to when you were busy, you told me to skip all those love dramas and sweet words, you barely called, you told me it was a waste of money calling to you and had nothing to say, you dislike the things I like, you would not do the things I like for me, you looked boring and irritated when we were together, and last you told me to go my way and you went yours.
I knew I loved you and now I still do. When today you kissed me, I was petrified. I have been asking myself since then. Do I want this? Then I realized that not every regret I made might make me want to go back and re-do it all over again. I wanted to tell you this: remember you told me you could leave me anytime again? I am scared. I do not want to be left unwanted again and I do not want to scratch my old scar again because I could not live that way again. I could not imagine myself going back to live in my darkness again. I could drown in my tears and die. Yet, I do not want to hurt you by saying 'No" to you because I could not never do that to you. I do not want to see you frown and heart broken. My life drama is a mess and I could not clear it out.
Did you know that my world is full of fireworks when I see you smile and happy when you were with me? You laughed alot, you smiled a lot, you joked with me a lot, and this is the most beautiful thing for me. Simultaneously, I am frighten that your smile will fade if I can not give you my fragile heart.
Growing up is hard, loving someone is painful, leaving someone is hard to do..
